Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I would like to take this opportunity to show my thankfulness for a few things and people. For a person of such minimal sensitivity towards others and this world, doing this even once a year constitutes a major effort on my part, although this will take much less time than if this were Derisiongiving. And I’ll try to keep the snark to a minimum.

• Thanks to my parents for not holding out an extra month to conceive me, lest I be one of those Christmas/Birthday combo kids who get screwed out of presents.
• Thanks to D.J. Shockley, for stepping out of David Greene’s shadow and leading us to a great season (this thanks withheld until after the bowl games and can be retracted at any time).
• Thanks to work, for showing me what true agonizing stress is, and for nearly driving me to suicide. Thank you so freakin’ much.
• Thanks to John Hart for stepping up and buying a TV for Tent City, Josh Massey for stepping up and buying a satellite dish for Tent City, Scott Hartman for stepping up and buying a generator for Tent City, and me, for stepping up and buying an insufficient number of 2-liter Cokes for Tent City.
• Thanks to the Vanderbilt Commodores and South Carolina Gamecocks for beating Tennessee and Florida, respectively.
• Thanks to Jason, Heather, Josh, Doug, Paulwesterdawg, and Orson and Stranko for giving me something to do at work when I’m not contemplating suicide.
• Thanks to Luci for letting me live a dream vicariously through her words and pictures.
• Thanks to Ames for keeping me close - we’ll get to that movie soon, I promise.
• Thanks to Comcast On Demand for finally actually working. Now I can watch as many episodes in a row of Curb Your Enthusiasm or G-String Divas whenever I want.
• Thanks to Bobby Nettles for Full Contact Trivia - a great midweek distraction if there ever was one.
• Thanks to Makers Mark for sending me their own branded Christmas cards so now I don’t have to go out and buy any. Oh, and also for their product. Most definitely for their product.
• Much thanks to anyone serving our country anywhere. Doubly thanks to those in places where a final plane ride is just an improvised bomb away.
• Thanks to Justin Massey of Just In Time Plumbing, Inc. for providing the best damn plumbing service in the entire Atlanta area. (*the preceding line item was brought to you by Just In Time Plumbing, Inc. - the best damn plumbing service in the entire Atlanta area)
• And finally, since for some reason I can’t get this song out of my head, no matter how hard I try… “Thank you for being a friend / Traveled down the road and back again / Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant / And if you threw a party / Invited everyone you ever knew / You would see the biggest gift would be from me / And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.”

Happy Thanksgiving. Now piss off.