Now that I’ve been given the big promotion up to Assistant General Manager Operations Manager, one of my current responsibilities is finding an intelligent, capable, hard worker to take over my old job. I’ve conducted a couple of interviews now, and after yesterday’s I feel I’m perfectly qualified to give potential job-seekers some interview tips. As much as I’d like to call out yesterday’s interviewee by name, it’s probably not a good idea so instead I’ll refer to him as Smarmy Christian Private School Prick.

Here now, some suggestions on what not to do in a job interview:

1) Don’t show up without a tie on. If you can’t find it in yourself to do this one simple thing, how are you ever going to be capable of obeying my every whim? Seriously, though, guys out there, if you’re going to an interview WEAR A TIE. I can’t stress this enough.

2) When filling out the initial employment application, don’t bitch, piss, and moan to my receptionist that it’s “tedious” and “unbelievable” we’d have the audacity to conduct a background check on you before offering the position.

3) When asked what you’ve been doing since you graduated from college, don’t reply with “Oh, y’know… hanging out… keeping it real.”

4) When asked what kind of job responsibilities you’d like, don’t answer, “I wanna do stuff that doesn’t bore me.”

5) When asked what your salary requirements are, don’t tell me how much you want to make and justify that amount by saying “‘Cause thats what all graduates like me are making out of college,” because son, you’re wrong. In fact, you’re not even close.

Finally, and absolutely most importantly:

6) When asked what kind of skills you developed in your last job, don’t answer, “I learned how not to manage Mexicans.” (emphasis most emphatically mine)

Idiot.

DAve