Archive for November, 2005
Dear God,
First of all, I want to thank you for the many blessings with which you’ve blessed me over the years; a loving family, wonderful friends, and most importantly of all, an esteemed place in the brotherhood of the GREATEST DAMN UNIVERSITY IN THE WORLD.
You have blessed me Lord, and will undoubtedly continue to bless me, I am sure.
So let’s not let up now, OK?
For Lord, this time tomorrow I will be 30 years old, a milestone in anyone’s life, another mile-marker on the golden highway to Immortalityville (Population: You). And Lord, in honor of such an occasion, I ask for only one thing…
We must beat Georgia Tech.
Lordy, please understand that I’m not one of those guys who asks you to help his team win, and, by logical extrapolation, the other team lose. Oh no, Lord. I ask nothing like that from you. In fact, Lord, I do humbly ask you to help The Lying And Cheating Nerds From North Avenue this evening - because, frankly, Lord, those sonsabitches are gonna need all the help they can get.
Mighty are your blessings, Lord; you have blessed the Dawg Nation with a successful coach who, not coincidentally, has a faith that allows Jesus to carry him in tough times (read: 2003 SEC Championship, 2004 Tennessee game) along the beach of trial and tribulation and so there’s only one pair of footprints in the sand or something. I forget exactly how the poem goes, but you get my point.
And the blessings don’t stop there, Lord - they just keep on a’comin’. You have given us Moses, Mohamed, and, most importantly of all, Pope Maleficent Benedictus the VIIth - your greatest creation yet.
Lord, you gave Pope Maleficent Benedictus the VIIth the patience of Job to wait for the safety to bite on the play-action before shedding his blocking assignment and turning up the field for a long pass reception. Amen. You gave Pope Maleficent Benedictus the VIIth the strength of Samson, except this time you did the right thing and gave him little hair, so he has no weakness. Amen. You gave Pope Maleficent Benedictus the VIIth the quick feet of Shadrach, who developed his speed and cutting ability hopping around in that hot furnace until you showed up. Amen. You gave Pope Maleficent Benedictus the VIIth the architectural and construction ability of Noah, as he, alone, built the Continuing Education building in his spare time between catching passes, flattening linebackers, and healing the sick. Amen. Lord, if only you had given him x-ray vision like Superman - South Bend’s most recognizable landmark would be Touchdown Pope Maleficent Benedictus the VIIth.
I am torn, however, Lord. You know well the consistent lying and cheating the Bugs have infected the football landscape with, and part of me wishes you would smite them for their malfeasance. But I will not ask that of you. For one, the NCAA has already done that. You work in mysterious ways, Lord. For two, despite your omnipotence, I feel we need not your services this day. So instead I ask of you our forgiveness.
Forgive us for our running game, for it will cleave the very heart of the Georgia Tech defense.
Forgive us for our passing game, for it will shame Jacket defensive backs into casting aside their Magic: The Gathering cards and acknowledging the greatness of the Dawg.
Forgive us for our defense, for it will break the very will of the Jacket offense, and several bones as well.
And finally forgive me, for upon our victory on the Flats this day my celebration will be one of great obnoxiousness as I urinate (definitately metaphorically, possibly literally) upon the collective heads of the less fortunate: the student body of the North Avenue Trade School.
In your name I humbly pray,
GATA,
Jasper was down,
Amen.
If you notice the time of this posting you’ll notice it’s rather on the early side for a day in which I don’t have to be at work due to the Thanksgiving holiday. I was awakened at 6:15 this morning to the sounds of helicopters circling and hovering outside my window. An escaped convict? Horrible accident on 400? No. Black Friday. The “busiest shopping day of the year.” The helicopters were news choppers, hovering over Lenox Mall and Phipps Plaza, covering the masses of people below converging on the local Mecca of commercialism. I’m reminded of the overhead shots of the shopping mall in the remake of “Dawn Of The Dead”. It’s early, and I’m rambling. Let’s get on with it, shall we?
My final random music list of my 20’s - dare I stretch it to 30? I dare. I promise nothing. Coffee is good. Inspire me, caffeine…
1) System Of A Down - “Suite-Pee”
When I was at UGA, my buddy Kevin (who was working as a rep for Sony at the time) and I got to go to the now-defunct Cotton Club in Atlanta for a double-bill show with two relatively unknown bands: System Of A Down and Incubus. System didn’t play - the singer was having throat problems or was pissed off about American involvement in (insert backass insignificant country here) or something. Kev and I did get to kick the bass player and DJ from Incubus’s asses in pool, though. So that was fun.
2) Cake - “Cool Blue Reason”
My bro Chuk took me to see Cake at the Roxy one year - for my birthday. I wanna say it was my 25th? Or was that my 26th? Or was that Soundgarden?
3) Daryle Singletary - “You Ain’t Heard Nothin’ Yet”
Ah, the legendary Daryle Singletary (file under: How’d This Get Here?) - I suppose I could adopt this as my mantra for my blossoming music career, maturing into a more disciplined guitar player and more experienced songwriter, but that’d be gay.
4) Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals - “The Drugs Don’t Work (Live)”
I love Ben. This is a great cover of Richard Ashcroft’s (lead singer of the Verve, who did “Bittersweet Symphony” and then got sued because the strings part in that song was ripped off from a Rolling Stones tune and they hardly got any money for it and the money they did get [especially the dough from Nike] they gave to charity) best song. Ashcroft had to edit the lyrics before it could be released - the original goes, “The drugs don’t work, they just make me worse” - the safe-for-radio edit? “The drugs don’t work, they just make you worse.” Yeah, I don’t get it either.
5) Dan Rather - “Election Night 2000″
A collection of Rather’s nonsensical quips from the controversial evening in the Presidential election. Dan Rather: he makes hokey, nonsensical blathering entertaining.
6) The Rolling Stones - “Pretty Beat Up”
How I feel. Happy Birthday to me. Ugh.
7) Interpol - “Roland”
If you don’t like Interpol, you’re stupid. I know this because every online “indie” magazine told me so.
8) Radiohead - “Lewis (Mistreated)”
The one band I haven’t seen live that I really really really want to see. U2’s great; I love U2. But they’re not the best band in the world. Sorry, Bono.
9) Collective Soul - “She Said”
The A.T.L.’s own. Not a great band, but they can lay claim to one thing: supposedly they have had more songs in regular rotation at the same time on radio stations nationwide than any other band. Thanks to my buddy Jonathan, I can’t hear this anymore without thinking he’s singing “Like chicken and shrimp-fried rice, she said…”
10) Stevie Wonder - “Overjoyed”
The two greatest things Stevie Wonder ever did? 1) “Superstition” and 2) the SNL camera commercial. If you’ve never seen it, find it. Watch it. Laugh. Blind people are HI-larious!
Stretching this to 30 might’ve been a bad idea… Must… fight… urge… to… delete… this… stupid… post… eeergghh…
Read the rest of this entry »
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
I would like to take this opportunity to show my thankfulness for a few things and people. For a person of such minimal sensitivity towards others and this world, doing this even once a year constitutes a major effort on my part, although this will take much less time than if this were Derisiongiving. And I’ll try to keep the snark to a minimum.
- Thanks to my parents for not holding out an extra month to conceive me, lest I be one of those Christmas/Birthday combo kids who get screwed out of presents.
- Thanks to D.J. Shockley, for stepping out of David Greene’s shadow and leading us to a great season (this thanks withheld until after the bowl games and can be retracted at any time).
- Thanks to work, for showing me what true agonizing stress is, and for nearly driving me to suicide. Thank you so freakin’ much.
- Thanks to John Hart for stepping up and buying a TV for Tent City, Josh Massey for stepping up and buying a satellite dish for Tent City, Scott Hartman for stepping up and buying a generator for Tent City, and me, for stepping up and buying an insufficient number of 2-liter Cokes for Tent City.
- Thanks to the Vanderbilt Commodores and South Carolina Gamecocks for beating Tennessee and Florida, respectively.
- Thanks to Jason, Heather, Josh, Doug, Paulwesterdawg, and Orson and Stranko for giving me something to do at work when I’m not contemplating suicide.
- Thanks to Luci for letting me live a dream vicariously through her words and pictures.
- Thanks to Ames for keeping me close - we’ll get to that movie soon, I promise.
- Thanks to Comcast On Demand for finally actually working. Now I can watch as many episodes in a row of Curb Your Enthusiasm or G-String Divas whenever I want.
- Thanks to Bobby Nettles for Full Contact Trivia - a great midweek distraction if there ever was one.
- Thanks to Makers Mark for sending me their own branded Christmas cards so now I don’t have to go out and buy any. Oh, and also for their product. Most definitely for their product.
- Much thanks to anyone serving our country anywhere. Doubly thanks to those in places where a final plane ride is just an improvised bomb away.
- Thanks to Justin Massey of Just In Time Plumbing, Inc. for providing the best damn plumbing service in the entire Atlanta area. (*the preceding line item was brought to you by Just In Time Plumbing, Inc. - the best damn plumbing service in the entire Atlanta area)
- And finally, since for some reason I can’t get this song out of my head, no matter how hard I try… “Thank you for being a friend / Traveled down the road and back again / Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant / And if you threw a party / Invited everyone you ever knew / You would see the biggest gift would be from me / And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.”
Happy Thanksgiving. Now piss off.
Off to Athens in a bit for the game that, by all accounts, determines whether my Dawgs get a shot at the SEC Championship. Interesting thought: we win tomorrow and our remaining schedule for the season could be played out in Athens, Atlanta, Atlanta, and Atlanta, respectively. Lose, and it’s probably another Capital One-cum-Outback-cum-Peach Bowl battle against Wisconsin or Purdue. Again.
I was all ready to delve reaaaaally deep into this game, but Doug over at Hey Jenny Slater dropped this post earlier today that easily bests anything I could’ve laid down in my post-work-pre-game haze. Although “AU: Get Into My Car. Who, AU? Yes AU; Get Into My Car” would’ve been infinitely funnier as a post title, though not quite as apropros.
Bizzaro weekend in the SEC for sure; We’re pulling for Steve Spurrier and Auburn’s hoping ‘Bama beats LSU. Crazy enough - last thing we need is for Tennessee to have five losses at this point in the season. That would be the seventh sign, for sure.
Oh wait.
Anyhoo, let’s see if this Random Ten tells us anything about the weekend ahead and, more importantly, the showdown twixt the Hedges…
1) Yvonne Elliman - “If I Can’t Have You”
Um, WTF? I couldn’t figure out what this was until I realized it’s from the “Big Daddy” Soundtrack which is ripped, in its entirety, to my hard drive. So how does this tie in to the weekend? Eh… it’s my love song to bourbon? Sound good? OK, let’s go with that. And move on. Skiiiip. *click*
2) The Rolling Stones - “Hold On To Your Hat”
A perfect descriptive term for the game tomorrow. Also, sometimes it gets windy in Sanford this time of year and you might lose your hat. So hold on to it. This Public Service Announcement brought to you by Dave Akins.
3) Elliot Smith - “Needle In The Hay”
Lessee… a pretty talented guy who made the mistake of killing himself. There’s a Tommy Tuberville metaphor in there somewhere.
4) Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson - “Folsom Prison Blues”
A tailgate standard pretty much anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon. Could “When I hear that whistle blowin’ I hang my head and cry” refer to TT’s response to Auburn’s 10th false start of the game, due in part to the Sanford crowd? Man, this interpreting business is easy. Next!
5) The Cult - “Fire Woman”
A not-so-subtle jab at Auburn coeds’ sexual proclivities and the inevitable burning sensation that results. A frickin awesome song though. I could easily see Greg Blue ripping one of Kenny Irons’ arms off to this song for the lead-in highlight reel before the second half starts.
6) Ludacris - “We Got”
The Dawgs are from Georgia. Luda is from Georgia. Coincidence? I think not. Oh snap - Snoop Dogg is on this cut too. Dogg… Dawg? Mmm-hmm.
7) DAve Akins - “I Want Your Checks”
Back in the day, Z-93 here in Atlanta had a morning DJ named Randy Miller. One time he did a parody of “I Want Your Sex” by George Michael as if he were Jim Bakker. This is me, 11 years old, doing my version. Really nothing to see here folks - move along.
8) Michael Jackson - “Dangerous”
Um… aheh. The Dawgs are “dangerous”. Michael Jackson likes to touch little boys’ penises. Another way to say “penises” is “cocks”. We need the ‘Cocks to win. And Auburn’s QB’s last name is… Cox. Ha. Two points, me.
9) Guns N’ Roses - “November Rain”
Too damn easy. Game’s in November, and we’re gonna rain some otherwordly death on destruction upon Auburn like ain’t been seen since Sodom and Gomorrah. Also, Axl Rose is a megalomaniacal douche. Like Tommy Tuberville. So there’s that also.
9) Rancid - “The War’s End”
At the war’s end, we will feast on scrumptious tiger entrails, drink hearty grog from their skulls, and crucfify Tuberville upon a metallic pole to improve our satellite-TV reception for ESPN’s glowing post-game fellating of glorious Georgia.
10) Ray Charles - “I Got A Woman”
The song I’ll be singing after the game. Whilst drunk. Running down the halls of Brumby.
That’s it. I’m out. Go Dawgs.
GATA
1. Elvis Presley - “In The Ghetto”
Cartman ruined this song for me forever. Although I always thought it was cheesy. Now “Suspicious Minds” - that’s a dadgum fine Fatelvis tune.
2. Van Halen - “Secrets”
Wow. I guess this on their greatest hits or something? I’ve never heard this. All I know is, when Van Halen was good, they were good (see “Hot For Teacher”, “Why Can’t This Be Love”); when they did songs like this, they were not good. Not close to good. Far from good. Bad, even.
3. Elvis Presley - “Viva Las Vegas”
This is more like it! A great Fatelvis tune. Sidenote: any time you get to see old TV footage of Elvis, don’t watch him - watch his backup band. High comedy.
4. Coolio - “Fantastic Voyage”
Some hip-hop just doesn’t age well. Coolio won a Grammy. Yeah.
5. Gram Parsons - “Brand New Heartache”
Gram Parsons is a legend. Supposedly.
6. The Flatlanders - “Keeper of the Mountain”
We’re in where-in-the-hell-did-I-get-this territory. Kind of a pretty song. Singer sounds kinda like Jimmie Dale Gilmore.
7. Dave Matthews Band - “True Reflection”
Doesn’t it seem like DMB is one of those groups you’re either supposed to really love or really hate? They’re pretty good (although few people would agree with me that “Don’t Drink The Water” is easily one of their best tunes) but they do enough for me to like ‘em and Dave’s cool acoustic guitar playing is more than sufficient to keep me from hatin’.
8. Boston - “Amanda”
This is a memory tune. Takes me back to our neighborhood pool circa ‘86. Scholz and company’s best effort at a pseudo-comeback. Nothing compares to their debut record a few years earlier though.
9. Don Henley - “Boys Of Summer”
A great tune. What? Say somethin’. Still, I’m kind of hoping for something from Tool or Faith No More for the last two to maintain at least a bit of my reputation - lest you start thinking I’m sensitive or some crap like that.
10. Dead Kennedys - “Holiday In Cambodia”
Heh heh! Ask and ye shall receive, no? Any song that has a part where you yell “Pol… Pot… Pol… Pot…” over and over has to be awesome. Bonus points since the singer’s name is “Jello”.
11. Better Than Ezra - “Heaven”
Will never, ever, ever, be a big concert draw or sell a ridiculous amount of records. But they’ve got a good menagerie of great tunes (their one hit, “Good” not among them). They’re kinda like Radiohead - huge hit in first album, then sort of changed styles a bit and so lost some core fanbase. Unlike Radiohead, though, BTE is not the greatest band on earth right now.
Consumption of this sandwich, this crime against nature, should in and of itself be enough to sentence its eater to the third Dantean circle and an eternity in festering muck.
Everything in the sandwich, with the exception of some of the veggies, cheese, and condiments will be fried; either pan-fried in gratuitous amounts of butter, bacon fat, and garlic salt, or plunged into a deep fat fryer. Preferably both.
[via kottke. again.]
