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August 26, 2005
Are You Ready For Some Full-Contact, Team-Oriented Ball Sport Playing?
Oh yes indeedy ladies and gentlemen, it's finally here! Yes, that's right, the new album from Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz, Whaaat!!! Okaaay!!! (Madacy Records)!!!! Awwwww hellllll yeaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Oh, and college football season.
For my beloved Bulldogs of The University of Georgia, the upcoming season brings with it quite a bit of concern. Is it even remotely possible UGA can remain competitive in the tough-as-nails SEC East with powerhouses Tennessee, Florida, and South Carolina despite the losses of David Greene, David Pollack, Reggie Brown, Fred Gibson, Thomas Davis, and Odell Thurman? Will offseason troubles and injuries hamper our quest for another SEC title?
In short, no.
In long, no, we will run roughshod over the conference like some giant mutated automaton of chaos and death with Potatoheads for an appetizer and Nerd flambe' a la mode for dessert. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Reuben Houston.
So here now is a game-by-game breakdown of the Dawgs' upcoming season, lovingly provided by yours truly, DAve. Enjoy. Unless you're a Jacket. Then lick my balls.
1) Boise State, Athens, September 3rd
Football rule number one: You do not, repeat: DO NOT bring some sorry mid-major conference "juggernaut" into an SEC stadium where most of the home-team fans will be hoping your starting quarterback is literally broken in half, entrails spilling out as fodder for the defensive tackles, and come out with a win. Yes, I've seen the smurfturfers play and yes, they have a very cute offense (you just want to run up on that offense and scratch 'im behind the ears) and they're "fast" and "athletic" and all that. WILL. NOT. MATTER. Boise State won't have the ball enough on offense to compete. We will eat clock, we will eat up yardage, and then we will eat their souls.
Dawgs win. Player of the game: Quentin Moses
2. South Carolina, Athens, September 10th
Ooh, the return of Steve Spurrier! Ooh, the Ol' Ball Coach! Ooh Stevie Orr! The "Fun N' Gun" is back! Oooh! Kneel before Steve!
No.
Even if half of South Carolina's projected offseason starters weren't currently incarcerated, by the second quarter the Fun' N' Gun will have been replaced by the much more aptly-titled "Cluck N' Duck".
Dawgs win. Player of the game: D.J. Shockley
3. Louisiana-Monroe, Athens, September 17th
As is the Dawgs' nature, expect a blowout on par with our total dismantling of UAB in 2003.
Dawgs win. Player of the game: Sadly, either Andy Bailey or Brandon Coutu.
4. Mississippi State, Starkville, September 24th
Georgia will hit a stride at this point, we'll rush for over 250 yards, the defense will show a cohesiveness that will last the remainder of the season, and the regional-TV play-by-play guys will remind us that Sylvester Croom is black. About 500 times.
Dawgs win. Player of the game: Leonard Pope.
5. Tennessee, Obnoxiousville, October 8th
I just don't get the hype surrounding the Vomited-Carrot Orange this year. Refer to football rule number two: If you're one week from the opening of the season and STILL not sure who your starting quarterback will be, you're in more trouble than you think. Yes, they'll have probably the 2nd-best running game/O-line in the conference, but UT won't be able to extract victory from their collective rectums like they did last year. And that Neyland Stadium home-field advantage? Not as important as it used to be my friends. A big special teams play (remember Damien Gary in the 2001 "P-44" game? Most people don't.) helps the Dawgs squeak one out.
Dawgs win a razor-thin close one. Maybe. Player of the game: Thomas Flowers.
6. Vanderbilt, Nashvegas, October 15th
Jay Cutler's going to let his selection as first-team All-SEC QB go to his head, and he'll be too busy slangin' and pimpin' on Friday night to make any difference.
Dawgs roll big. Player of the game: My Mom, who'll return two interceptions for touchdowns in garbage time.
7. Arkansas, Athens, October 22nd
Always a tough game; I hate to say it but I think this is the year superstar signal-caller Matt Jones finally gets the Dawgs' number. He's got all the maturity and athletic ability to single-handedly deliver our first loss of the season. The offense will keep it close, but Jones' arm and legs will ultimately be the difference.
Dawgs lose. Player of the game: Matt Jo-
Huh?
He's already been drafted?
Oh.
Never mind. Player of the game: Sean Bailey.
8. Florida, Jacksonville, October 29th
Just as you don't bring a sorry mid-major conference team to face Georgia and hope to win, you also don't bring in a coach from some sorry mid-major conference team and expect to win the Cocktail Party. Coach Urban Meyer ("CUM" for short) can't seriously expect the current crop of Gators to have anything more than a tenuous grasp on his offense (yes, I'm looking at you Chris Leak) even this late in the season. But what do I know? We could very well lose this game by five touchdowns.
But we won't.
Similar to the Boise State game, the Dawgs' offense will be on the field way too long for the Gators' O to put up serious numbers. Losing Cranning Chowder to the draft and the anchor of their secondary just a few days ago helps not.
Dawgs win, game in hand midway through the 4th. Player of the game: Put the names of Thomas Brown, Danny Ware, and Kregg Lumpkin in a hat. Shake. Blindly pick one. There you go.
9. Auburn, Athens, November 12th
Auburn's in a similar position with offseason losses to the pros as UGA so by default I have to admit they could be much better than expected (sidenote: most "experts" are picking LSU as the SEC West champs and possible National Title contenders. Is this the same team that got pasted by UGA last year, still hasn't settled on a QB, and just lost Alley Broussard for the season? They won't win the West, and neither will Auburn. Who will? Muahahaha. Read on.). In cases like this, one has to go with time-honored tradition of picking the winner based on the coolness of the respective teams' starting tight ends.
Georgia: Leonard Pope Maleficent Benedictus the VIIth
Auburn: Cooper Wa- hahahahaha - alla - hahahaha!!! Ahem. Sorry. Cooper Wallace.
Dawgs win. Player of the game: His Aformentioned Holiness
10. Kentucky, Athens, November 19th
When Jared Lorenzen was the QB at UK, at least they were fun to watch while they sucked. Now, they just suck. I'll be face-down in a puddle of beer outside the Taco Stand by halftime.
Dawgs roll. Player of the game: Joe Tereshinski III, who'll throw his first 6 touchdowns of his college career. The honor will be slightly dampened as Joe T III fails on a fake-punt-run-up-the-middle for -6 yards late in the game against UK's fourth string D.
10. The North Avenue Trade School And Marijuana Distribution Hub, Atlanta, November 26th
At midnight after this game, I will turn 30. It is for this reason more than any others that UGA will win this game. If my 30th is (God forbid) ruined by a Tech victor- hahahahahaha! - sorry, victory, I will kill myself. I'm not even joking. I'll leap from the 14th Street bridge onto the connector. Actually it wouldn't be so much a leap as a form tackle of one unlucky nerd, the massive force carrying the two of us over the edge, he dying in my choke-grip of Death moments before I splat on the pavement. Delightful. Fear not, won't happen.
Dawgs win and carry me on their shoulders to the Cheetah at the final horn. Player of the game: My Mom, who fills in superbly for a slightly-injured Shockley to throw for four touchdowns and run for one more in the romp. Just don't tell her I'm going to the Cheetah.
Bonus football coverage: The Finalists for Tech's 2005 Team Slogan, courtesy of paulwesterdawg.
Okay, I don't want to predict an undefeated regular season, so throw a dart and overrule me on one conference game; Dawgs finish 10-1. Regardless, we still get our ticket punched back to Atlanta for more football, less Grey Poupon-yellow and not-really-blue-but-not-really black...
The SEC Championship, Atlanta, December 3rd
And our opponent out of the SEC West? The Alabama Crimson Tide. Yep. They will run the ball better than last year, play better defense, and Brodie Croyle won't suck as bad as last year, proving all the experts wrong about 1)LSU's dominance and 2)the long-held belief a guy named "Brodie" will ever do anything in college football, ever. Congrats, Brodie, you'll get there, but you won't win. You will, however receive a second-quarter concussion as consolation.
Dawgs win, head to some BCS bowl to play somebody
I haven't thought that far ahead, sue me.
DAve
August 12, 2005
Friday Random Ten - Now With 100% More Possibly-True Artist Facts!
1. Shawn Mullins - "Everywhere I Go" (Shawn Mullins once played for an acoustic duet called the Indigo Girls, using the pseudonym "Amy Ray")
2. Dropkick Murphys - "Which Side Are You On" (The bagpipes player is named "Spicy McHaggis")
3. Wilco - "Wishful Thinking" (This song was written to reflect the band's hope of scoring a legitimate record deal)
4. Billy Pilgrim - "Must've Changed" (Billy Pilgrim is not one person; rather it's a duo that once played around Atlanta under the moniker "Indigo Girls")
5. Poison - "Something To Believe In" (Frontman Bret Michaels has diabetes. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!)
6. Trenchcoat Club - "Knight Rider Theme" (These guys went to my high school. With RuPaul.)
7. Dire Straits - "Walk Of Life" (In this song's video, Mark Knopfler can be seen performing his patented "duck walk" move, which, like the rest of rock n' roll, was invented by white guys)
8. Willie Nelson and B.B. King - "Night Life" (B.B. King has had sex with somewhere around 10,000 women. Also, he has diabetes. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!)
9. Richard Thompson - "Walking On A Wire" (Eh... next)
10. Cake - "Hem Of Your Garment" (Cake is freakin' awesome. Have a good weekend - get out there and do some good for once)
August 11, 2005
What Not To Do In An Interview
Now that I've been given the big promotion up to Assistant General Manager Operations Manager, one of my current responsibilities is finding an intelligent, capable, hard worker to take over my old job. I've conducted a couple of interviews now, and after yesterday's I feel I'm perfectly qualified to give potential job-seekers some interview tips. As much as I'd like to call out yesterday's interviewee by name, it's probably not a good idea so instead I'll refer to him as Smarmy Christian Private School Prick.
Here now, some suggestions on what not to do in a job interview:
1) Don't show up without a tie on. If you can't find it in yourself to do this one simple thing, how are you ever going to be capable of obeying my every whim? Seriously, though, guys out there, if you're going to an interview WEAR A TIE. I can't stress this enough.
2) When filling out the initial employment application, don't bitch, piss, and moan to my receptionist that it's "tedious" and "unbelievable" we'd have the audacity to conduct a background check on you before offering the position.
3) When asked what you've been doing since you graduated from college, don't reply with "Oh, y'know... hanging out... keeping it real."
4) When asked what kind of job responsibilities you'd like, don't answer, "I wanna do stuff that doesn't bore me."
5) When asked what your salary requirements are, don't tell me how much you want to make and justify that amount by saying "'Cause thats what all graduates like me are making out of college," because son, you're wrong. In fact, you're not even close.
Finally, and absolutely most importantly:
6) When asked what kind of skills you developed in your last job, don't answer, "I learned how not to manage Mexicans." (emphasis most emphatically mine)
Idiot.
DAve
August 09, 2005
A (Work)night Out... Seriously
So I broke my normal Monday night routine of being a pathetic waste of couch-goo last night and went out with a couple friends (some old, some new) for the good ol' standby dinner-and-a-movie. Dinner at the Bridgetown Grill (try the jerk chicken sandwich and don't try to eat the little green pepper slices they give you in one bite), followed by Batman Begins at the Fox Theatre. I mean, the Fabulous Fox Theatre. Any theatre with an Arabian-landscape curtain, a glorious nightscape of stars painted on its ceiling, and bathrooms one could easily get lost in and it must be regarded as "fabulous". Of course, this is Midtown and "fabulous" no doubt gets tossed around quite regularly around here. If you know what I mean.
Anyway, I hadn't been to the Fox since I saw Pearl Jam there on their Vs. tour back in... eh... a while ago, and I forgot what a cool vibe the place gives off. We joined the organ player in rousing singalongs of old classics like "Georgia On My Mind", "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" (second line, "take me out to the park"? Eh?) and a splendidly delightful medley of "Gin And Juice", "(Ain't No Fun) If Tha Homies Can't Have None", and "California Love". We reveled in the timeless antics of Woody Woodpecker (there should be a law that every film is preceded by a cartoon).
The movie itself was really good - I'm not a huge Batman fan (I was more of a G.I. Joe/Transformers guy back in the day), but the whole backstory was really well laid-out, and was my favorite part of the movie. The movie (not just this one, but most of this genre) got bogged down with the introduction of the villain's nefarious plot to throw Gotham into riotous chaos. I guess because the bad guys could've easily just bought a nuclear weapon with a lot less trouble than what he actually did. Nevertheless a great movie.
And great company.
DAve
August 05, 2005
Your Friendly Neighborhood Random Ten
1) Josh Joplin Group, "Here I Am"
2) Mr. Big, "To Be With You" (aka The Greatest Song Of All Time [ironically speaking])
3) The Streets, "Such A Twat" (the best MC around right now is white, but it ain't Eminem)
4) Interpol, "The New"
5) Outkast, "So Fresh So Clean"
6) Warren Zevon, "Real Or Not"
7) Simon & Garfunkel, "Bookends"
8) The Rolling Stones, "I'm Free"
9) DAve (age four), "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"
10) The Rolling Stones, "I Go Wild"
